Don’t ask your black friends about racism, but listen carefully when they share how their experiences differ from your own.
I admit that I might think asking my black friends about racism was a logical thing to do. I admit to doing this when much younger. I had very little, actually no, exposure to black people growing up. This changed in college and in the military. The military changed my life experiences more in this regard than going to college as the people in the military were different from me on more dimensions than the people in an Iowa University. For example, my roommate in AIT (the training for specialization that follows basic training) could not read. I had never met an adult who seemed like a person of functional intelligence who could not read. I read his letters from relatives to him. My drill Sargeant in basic training liked me and made me platoon leader. This was not my experience with other drill sergeants with one inviting me to a fight in the woods. My tendency to smile at people who challenge me in this way is not particularly adaptive, but it is a reaction I cannot seem to control.
Anyway, the Sargeant I was assigned to was fascinated with my university experiences because he wanted to go to college when he left the military. He had already been to Vietnam and was riding out his time and he knew he would now have support he could use to go to college. We talked some about his background, but not racism. Thinking back, I don’t think I thought to bring it up. Later, I became more aware of issues of the time and became more aware of the issues brought to public attention because of inequities in military service and who ended doing what in the military. I remember one particular night on guard duty of some type riding around with a black guy who played football for a small Iowa college. So, we had some commonality in being connected to Iowa at least for the college years. I did ask about his experiences and he was quite open. Now, this was many years ago (50 years or so) and so much has changed since then. I was far more naive at the time and don’t apologize for what was then understandable ignorance.
I don’t ask black friends about racism now. Somehow, I have figured out that there are some things I should know. Still, our conversations do touch on our own day to day lives and despite the commonality in our education and work, there are glimpses of a reality I do not face. I guess the insight for me here has been that the differences are not simply a matter of economic inequities. I tend to think that education and the greater opportunities as a result will solve most problems. I guess not completely.
This brings me to one concrete suggestion. There are things anyone can read or watch that increase awareness. I regularly watch technology-oriented online video content. A panelist on one of these podcasts (Baratunde Thurstone) I have listened to enough that I feel some sense of knowing him. I eventually learned that he wrote about his own experiences and more recently that he had given a TED talk on the same topic.
Baratunde is funny and this may make his reality more approachable for many. I suggest the TED talk (no cost) and then maybe the book.
P.S. – a more recent video from the tech channel with Baratunde.